Your parents are well. Nobody is ill, nothing is urgent, and that is exactly why this is a good time. A conversation about where the will is kept, who is in the old photographs and what your grandmother’s maiden name was is easy over a cup of tea on an ordinary Sunday, and many parents are quietly glad to have it settled.

The questions to ask your parents before they die fall into three groups. There are the practical ones: wishes, paperwork, who to call. There is the family record: names, dates, places, health. And there are the personal ones, the things only they know. Most lists mix these together, which is why they feel heavy. Taken one group at a time, none of them is.

This list is for parents who are well. If your parent is already seriously ill, the approach is different, and questions to ask a dying parent is written for that.

How to bring it up without making it strange

Give it an ordinary reason. “I am sorting out my own paperwork and realised I do not know where yours is” is true for most adults and makes the conversation about practicalities, not mortality. So does a new grandchild, a house move or a friend who has just been through it with their own parents.

Do one group at a time. The practical questions in one visit, the photographs in another. Nobody wants a two-hour interview that covers funerals and first kisses in the same sitting.

Let them say not yet. Some parents are glad to be asked. Some need a few weeks to get used to the idea. “No rush, have a think” keeps the door open.

The practical questions

These are the ones that save the most trouble later. You do not need the answers to all of them today, only to know where the answers live.

Do you have a will, and where is the signed copy kept?
Who did you name as executor, and do they know?
Is there a solicitor, lawyer or adviser who knows your affairs?
Where do you keep important papers: deeds, policies, pensions, certificates?
Is there a list of your accounts and who to contact for each?
Have you set up a power of attorney, or would you like to?
If you could not speak for yourself, who should make medical decisions?
Have you written down any wishes about care, or would you like help doing it?
Is there anyone who should be told straight away if something happens to you?
Are there any debts, loans or promises to other people we should know about?
Do you have wishes about a funeral, burial or cremation?
Is there music, a reading or a place that matters to you?
Is there anything you want a particular person to have?
Are there passwords or a list of them somewhere safe?

This is not legal advice, and the rules differ by country. If you are in the UK, the NHS has a plain guide to planning ahead for end of life care, and GOV.UK explains making a will. Elsewhere, a local solicitor or estate lawyer can tell you what applies.

The most useful outcome of this section is a single sheet of paper that says where everything is. Not the documents themselves, just their locations and the names of the people involved.

Family health history

This section is easy to skip and worth more than it looks. Many health conditions run in families, and doctors use family history to decide which screening tests you need and when. The CDC has a short explanation of why family health history matters.

Did anyone in the family have heart disease, stroke or high blood pressure?
Has anyone had cancer, and what kind, and at roughly what age?
Was there diabetes on either side?
Did anyone have dementia or memory problems as they got older?
Were there any conditions people did not talk about at the time?
What did your parents and grandparents die of, and how old were they?
Do you know your own blood type, and any allergies to medicines?

Write the answers down with ages where you can. “Grandad had a heart attack at 58” is far more useful to a doctor than “heart trouble on Dad’s side”.

The family record

These are the facts that disappear first, because everyone assumes someone else knows them.

What were your grandparents’ full names, including maiden names?
Where were your parents born, and where did they grow up?
Where were you born, and in which hospital or house?
Did the family come from somewhere else, and when did they move?
Are there relatives we have lost touch with?
Is there a family Bible, a box of letters or a tree someone started?
Who are the people in the old photographs?
Which photographs matter most to you, and why?

The photographs are the urgent part of the family record, because a picture with no names on it stops being useful in one generation. Sit down with a pencil and the albums. The guide to labelling and preserving old family photos covers how to write on the back without damaging them.

The things only you know

Not everything worth keeping is a fact. Some of it is know-how, and some of it is a story.

Is there a recipe that should be written down properly?
How do you make it, step by step, with the bits that are not in the recipe?
Who taught you, and who taught them?
Is there a skill or trick you have that nobody else in the family has learned?
What is the story behind the oldest thing in this house?
Is there something you own that has a history we do not know?
Is there a place we should visit together, and why that one?

Recipes are a good place to start because they are practical and personal at once, and cooking together is easier than sitting across a table. There is a whole guide to recording a family recipe and its story.

The personal questions

These are the ones most people actually mean when they search for this. They are also the ones that are easiest to put off, because they feel too big. Ask them one at a time, on an ordinary day.

How did you two meet, really?
What were you like at my age?
What was the hardest year of your life, and how did you get through it?
What are you proudest of?
Is there anything you wish you had done differently?
What do you want your grandchildren to know about you?
What did your own parents never tell you that you wish they had?
Is there anyone you have lost touch with that you think about?
Is there something you have always wanted to tell me?
What do you think I do not know about you?
What do you hope I remember about our family?
What makes you happy now, day to day?
Is there anything you still want to do?
Is there something I have never asked that you wish I would?

Number 49 matters. This conversation is about now as much as later. The answer is often a trip, a visit or a phone call that is easy to arrange, and arranging it is a better use of the afternoon than another question.

For a longer list of life-story questions, from childhood to work to love, see questions to ask your parents about their life. Separate lists for your mom and your dad go further still.

Keeping the answers

Write the practical answers on paper. One sheet, copied to whoever needs it. A note in your phone is fine as a backup, but a sheet in a known drawer is what people actually find.

Record the personal ones. Ask first, then put a phone on the table and leave it. A recording keeps their voice, which matters in a way that is hard to explain until you have it.

Then get some of it into their handwriting. A few answers written in their own words, in something you can hold, is the version a family goes back to. Recordings get lost in folders. A book on a shelf gets opened.

Print this page, or copy one section into a notebook, and take it with you the next time you visit. Start with the photographs. It is the easiest conversation on the list, and it tends to lead to all the others.